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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Sad-Internet-9771 on 2024-10-03 10:10:00+00:00.

I just woke up, it’s about 4am, I was drinking while my wife was at work. I don’t remember going to sleep, and she’s asleep on the couch. I can only assume she’s pissed at me because neither of us particularly like that couch. I don’t know why I keep doing this sort of thing, drinking till I forget the world, but I keep doing it. Better for a while, then I fuck up and get drunk. I don’t want to be like this, but I keep finding myself in the same place; makes me wonder if I even want to actually be alive.

I’ve had a near-death experience, getting shocked bad enough that I was apparently unconscious for a while, and I saw nothing. I saw the world at 60hz for a couple seconds (maybe?), then everything narrowed to a tunnel and then nothing. And it hurt, real bad. That’s what they don’t tell you about getting electrocuted: it hurts the whole time.

I don’t feel there’s any great reward waiting for me after death, it just sounds peaceful. It’s also something I just can’t do. Yeah, there’s nothing after, but there’s also nothing after, and that sounds pretty boring. So I Guess my question is how do I stop drinking myself to death? I don’t want to die, I don’t want to hurt the people I love like that. But I seek oblivion. I love that moment when nothing seems to exist. To matter. When I can’t remember.

My wife does not. I guess that’s where the conflict stems from. I’ve got every reason to be happy, and I mostly am. But when I’m alone and it’s quiet, I guess I’m not. And then I drink 'til I feel nothing. Then she gets home from a twelve hour shift to a dopey, drunk sonuvabitch she was dumb enough to marry.

I hate being this way.

TL;DR: I guess I’m trying to reconcile the call of the void with living a happy life. And I’m an alcoholic.