I can’t seem to shake imposter syndrome or doubts about whether I’m “trans” or whether I’m a woman, etc.
Just wondering what you all do when you feel that way, if you have any recommendations?
It makes me feel awful, there is so much commitment to a transition it feels like you have to be certain, but I just don’t have constant certainty.
Sometimes I’ll sit down and try to analyze it objectively, basically considering the “null hypothecis” - if I am not trans, then I would be cis, if I were cis then a certain set of things would be true (like, estrogen would probably not feel so great, testosterone would not make me depressed, etc.).
The doubts seem to be able to shift from “am I trans” to “is this affirming” really easily. Even when I can feel it is affirming, the non-affirming aspects of being trans, the literal dysphoria that confirms I am trans, can make me feel confused about whether I am delusional about what I am feeling, about what I find affirming, etc.
I think a lot of the doubting comes from fear about being trans, about the commitment and long-term and permanent changes to my body, and so on. In a world without transphobia I might feel some doubts or uncertainty, and that could be difficult (I’m the kind of person that can’t get a tattoo because it’s “Permanent”), but I think I would have a lot less obsessive doubting, a lot of this is just coming from some kind of survival drive or something, lol.
And yeah, I feel the ups and downs. Androgynous clothes never help me, but some kinds of self-care like shaving can be a bit brutal, having to look at my face in the mirror, etc.
I had this too! I think it came from an internalized idea of “I must accept the body I was born with.” Gave me a massive crisis when my girlfriend at the time got her ears pierced… I was so close to figuring it all out 20 years ago!
Now I’ve allowed myself to change my body, that’s all just vanished. Still don’t fancy a tattoo though :P