On October 25, 2019, I woke up, hungover again, after grabbing just a few hours of restless, pass out sleep, and called in sick to work, again. I lay there, wallowing in self-hatred and depression, my head pounding and my stomach queasy, and I was just desperate not to have to live like this. I opened up the note app on my phone, and wrote myself a message not to forget how this felt and never to go back. It was a hail Mary, I’d tried and failed so many times to give it up, but like I said, I was desperate so I threw myself a message in a bottle that I could go back and read.
It worked. I got rid of all leftover booze in my house, which I’d tried before, and took it day by day. I haven’t had a drop since. I read and re-read that note to myself multiple times over the years, and it’s helped remind me of that day, of how it feels to be under that yoke. And it’s strengthened me in my resolve to never take it on again.
If you’re reading this, I’m not saying that this is the answer for you. What I am saying is that there is hope, things can change, life can get better. You aren’t doomed, you can be free of this. Don’t stop fighting, don’t stop struggling, even when it gets hard. You can do it. You can make it.
I believe in you. I support you. IWNDWYT.
Thing is, when you’re drinking as much as you are, you can’t really trust how you’re feeling as being really how you feel. Alcohol has such an influence on mood / outlook / general emotional state that I’d argue you don’t really know how you feel right now. The insidious part is that all the emotions feel just as genuine as sober feelings, even though they’re being shaped so heavily by outside chemicals.
I’m not arguing that if you take some time off you’ll magically discover you’re just super happy or something, I’m not naive. But you can’t really trust your emotional state when it’s this heavily manipulated. For me, problems feel much bigger and more hopeless when I drink regularly. There’s also an anxiety that comes with heavy use that’s near universal, and I don’t have that feeling at all sober, just flat out isn’t there. Take 30 days and find out how you really feel, and pay attention to how those feelings change as you get some distance - you at least owe yourself that. You don’t have to make some huge “never again” commitment. Just take the time to really dry out and see what your emotions are like from there. You’ve got nothing to lose by doing so, it’s just a few weeks.
Oh, ETA - like you my hangover symptoms were always super mild and that definitely contributed to overdoing it. I really only get severe fatigue and low motivation, but even that was absent for years. Plus I was internally doing some stupid macho “I can handle this when others can’t” type shit, not sure if you’ve let that seep into your identity as well.