Thankyou all for your responses yesterday, they were too many and varied in nature to respond to individually in the detail I would have liked to give, but thankyou for taking the time and for your support.
I arrived home last night to be greeted by a very humbled, remorseful and apologetic Mr Peeler. The fine gave him a big shock, and when I saw it I could see why. A good mate of his had ripped into him about it before I got home, saying 2 kmph more and he would have lost his licence and gotten an $800 fine… and then I probably would have pretty understandable grounds for a separation.
He has been seeing a psychologist about his depression & anxiety, which he was considering discontinuing due to the emotions it was dredging up. It was on the way home from one of these sessions that the speeding occurred. At my insistence he will continue the therapy and discuss what has happened and talk more productively about strategies to manage those feelings, but take time out after the session and sit in the park or take a walk before he gets behind the wheel, take time to decompress.
Today he will arrange for installments to be taken out of his fortnightly money, and I made it clear that, given all the other support ihave already given I am drawing the line very firmly on this one.
I also made it clear how disgusted I was about the drink before picking up the kids, and he knew given the circumstances there was no point arguing. The friend he visited is a flagrant alcoholic with a death wish, and he can visit that person after he’s dropped the kids at home or on the weekend, but absolutely not during the day. He also needs to discuss this with the therapist. Visiting this guy is like a trap, everyone ends up drinking there. It’s why I don’t visit him anymore either, and I used to count him as a friend.
Finally, I asked if he felt I was being unreasonable in any of this, and he said no. I then told him that, given he agreed its fair and reasonable, if any of these things are not done, then I will end the relationship. Let’s see how it goes.
Oh by the way I did my exercises, day 26 and I think 9 or 10 of tummy, I lost track. And I’m still off the grog. Have a lovely day everyone!
I also made it clear how disgusted I was about the drink before picking up the kids, and he knew given the circumstances there was no point arguing. The friend he visited is a flagrant alcoholic with a death wish, and he can visit that person after he’s dropped the kids at home or on the weekend, but absolutely not during the day. He also needs to discuss this with the therapist. Visiting this guy is like a trap, everyone ends up drinking there. It’s why I don’t visit him anymore either, and I used to count him as a friend.
Good on you for trying to move forward. I’m not sure i could given this.
Battling mental health I can stick with, shooting yourself in the foot whilst you already wounded I can not.
Dont expect him to pull himself up by his boot straps, but I would expect him to avoid triggers.
That spiral of self sabotage is a real dark and slippery one. Especially with brains that gravitate towards self destruction to deal with overwhelming emotions such as stuff dredged up after therapy. But I agree, others have gotta draw a line at people going out of the way to get sucked into that vortex, especially when such actions directly impact the safety and welfare of dependents. Guy needs to be more forthright about his tendencies and get help on how to hold space after therapy/emotional spirals.
You have handled this with a level of dignity, clarity and patience that I wouldn’t have been able to manage, especially with kids in the picture. May you continue to access that strength and groundedness for whatever comes next.
Good on you, it sounds like you’ve dealt with the situation really well. Fingers crossed for both your sakes that he takes the opportunity to improve himself.
Well done sister! I’m glad he’s trying to get better. He’d do well to avoid said friend until he stops drinking. AA has helped me realise how alcohol is at the core of so many problems. Other people’s drinking can have terrible repercussions on those around them.
Alcohol really messes your brain up in ways it is really hard to see when being influenced by it. I’m at about 18 months sober, and in hindsight I can really see how much of my depression and other problems was being caused by the alcohol, but at the time I really could not see it. So i spent years stuck in this endless spiral of drinking to relieve the depression and anxiety, which was being mostly fueled by the alcohol. I knew I should stop drinking, but trying to deal with the depression without it seemed impossible.
I only managed to stop because I told myself it was temporary - just a few weeks so I didn’t have the covid vaccine side effects at the same time, then a couple of weeks more because it was nearly Christmas and I didn’t want to be hungover at the family gathering. Then I aimed for three months because some articles said that’s how long it took to reverse most of the damage of long term drinking. I guess they were right, because by then I was not feeling like I needed to drink to deal with things.
Great work. I needed help from aa but have reached the same conclusions. A lot of shitty positions I found myself in, poor life outcomes and terrible decisions I made were due to alcohol. I have no idea if I could have stayed sober without aa but doing it alone has not worked in the past. I’d have long sober periods but always ended up having another bender. I’m only just over a month sober this time and finally my anxiety has abated. It really fucks with me. Getting a thorough organ health check next month. Hopefully I didn’t do too much damage this time.
Good morning all!
Thankyou all for your responses yesterday, they were too many and varied in nature to respond to individually in the detail I would have liked to give, but thankyou for taking the time and for your support.
I arrived home last night to be greeted by a very humbled, remorseful and apologetic Mr Peeler. The fine gave him a big shock, and when I saw it I could see why. A good mate of his had ripped into him about it before I got home, saying 2 kmph more and he would have lost his licence and gotten an $800 fine… and then I probably would have pretty understandable grounds for a separation.
He has been seeing a psychologist about his depression & anxiety, which he was considering discontinuing due to the emotions it was dredging up. It was on the way home from one of these sessions that the speeding occurred. At my insistence he will continue the therapy and discuss what has happened and talk more productively about strategies to manage those feelings, but take time out after the session and sit in the park or take a walk before he gets behind the wheel, take time to decompress.
Today he will arrange for installments to be taken out of his fortnightly money, and I made it clear that, given all the other support ihave already given I am drawing the line very firmly on this one.
I also made it clear how disgusted I was about the drink before picking up the kids, and he knew given the circumstances there was no point arguing. The friend he visited is a flagrant alcoholic with a death wish, and he can visit that person after he’s dropped the kids at home or on the weekend, but absolutely not during the day. He also needs to discuss this with the therapist. Visiting this guy is like a trap, everyone ends up drinking there. It’s why I don’t visit him anymore either, and I used to count him as a friend.
Finally, I asked if he felt I was being unreasonable in any of this, and he said no. I then told him that, given he agreed its fair and reasonable, if any of these things are not done, then I will end the relationship. Let’s see how it goes.
Oh by the way I did my exercises, day 26 and I think 9 or 10 of tummy, I lost track. And I’m still off the grog. Have a lovely day everyone!
I am so proud of you for standing your ground on this. Sending you love and good vibes, girl! 💜💜💜
Amazing stuff on the exercises too!! 🥰🥰
Good on you for being clear and firm!! Sending you gentle love ❤️
Good on you for trying to move forward. I’m not sure i could given this. Battling mental health I can stick with, shooting yourself in the foot whilst you already wounded I can not. Dont expect him to pull himself up by his boot straps, but I would expect him to avoid triggers.
That spiral of self sabotage is a real dark and slippery one. Especially with brains that gravitate towards self destruction to deal with overwhelming emotions such as stuff dredged up after therapy. But I agree, others have gotta draw a line at people going out of the way to get sucked into that vortex, especially when such actions directly impact the safety and welfare of dependents. Guy needs to be more forthright about his tendencies and get help on how to hold space after therapy/emotional spirals.
You have handled this with a level of dignity, clarity and patience that I wouldn’t have been able to manage, especially with kids in the picture. May you continue to access that strength and groundedness for whatever comes next.
Buckets of care in whichever form you would prefer it.
Good on you, it sounds like you’ve dealt with the situation really well. Fingers crossed for both your sakes that he takes the opportunity to improve himself.
Well done sister! I’m glad he’s trying to get better. He’d do well to avoid said friend until he stops drinking. AA has helped me realise how alcohol is at the core of so many problems. Other people’s drinking can have terrible repercussions on those around them.
Alcohol really messes your brain up in ways it is really hard to see when being influenced by it. I’m at about 18 months sober, and in hindsight I can really see how much of my depression and other problems was being caused by the alcohol, but at the time I really could not see it. So i spent years stuck in this endless spiral of drinking to relieve the depression and anxiety, which was being mostly fueled by the alcohol. I knew I should stop drinking, but trying to deal with the depression without it seemed impossible.
I only managed to stop because I told myself it was temporary - just a few weeks so I didn’t have the covid vaccine side effects at the same time, then a couple of weeks more because it was nearly Christmas and I didn’t want to be hungover at the family gathering. Then I aimed for three months because some articles said that’s how long it took to reverse most of the damage of long term drinking. I guess they were right, because by then I was not feeling like I needed to drink to deal with things.
Great work. I needed help from aa but have reached the same conclusions. A lot of shitty positions I found myself in, poor life outcomes and terrible decisions I made were due to alcohol. I have no idea if I could have stayed sober without aa but doing it alone has not worked in the past. I’d have long sober periods but always ended up having another bender. I’m only just over a month sober this time and finally my anxiety has abated. It really fucks with me. Getting a thorough organ health check next month. Hopefully I didn’t do too much damage this time.