How do you get other people to speak with you? Usually I never know what to say in response.
Being a chatterbox hasn’t worked out too well throughout my life. Even in my second language, German, it’s evident im sort of a “parrot” when it comes to learned social phrases.
Socially exhausted right now and feeling like an alien.
Some of what I’ll say has probably been said, but here are some of my thoughts.
I really struggle with small talk. Like I would rather sit in silence than exchange useless thoughts/information, so a lot of the “standard” ways society makes conversation just really pain me, even as just a start for more interesting conversations.
I’ve remedied this in a few ways. The first, as others have mentioned, try to find something about the person you take interest with. Getting into fashion has proven to be a wonderful tool for this for me. It’s very easy to find an item in someone’s outfit I like. If it’s an interesting piece of clothing or jewelry it probably has a fun story behind it. So much of the clothing that actually gets sold these days is really bland I feel, just overpriced basics. Many actually neat pieces are vintage or at least second hand, and often come with stories of where they were from or how they came into someone’s possession.
I’m not saying become a fashion girlie, but a lot of people carry indicators of their interests in some way. Stickers on water bottles or pins on bags. I love seeing someone with a sticker from the same fandom as me, or a pride pin. Even if it’s just a “hey I like your pin”. Getting in the habit of stuff like that will just help you approach people, and make you more approachable.
Another thing I’ve started doing more is smiling at people. This was something I had to get used to as I started passing more, but most people that were not socialized as men often smile at one another in passing. Even just actually looking at people. Like I don’t feel as weird observing things I find interesting, because worst case if someone notices me looking at them or something, I’ll just smile. Show some joy, people will often join. I feel like there was this period where I assumed I was “smiling wrong” and just looking like a creep, but idk, I’m just smiling in the way that feels genuine to me, and most people seems to get it. From there if more interaction happens then I got back to my first point.
Between these two things I think I’ve just become a more socially accessible person. I’m good at being interested in things, I had to get better at noticing things I can take interest in.
Finally, it is tiring. Make sure to take care of yourself. If your social battery is empty, don’t be social!! As I’ve lived more of my truth, with both my autism and my transition, I’ve naturally fallen in with people that are also very accessible and accommodating. If I need to have a non-verbal night with friends they won’t question that and in fact we all know enough sign language to make that very doable.
You’ll start meeting people that you mesh with!! It is absolutely tough putting yourself out there, and you’re clearly putting lots of thought and effort into this. Keep going!
In high school, I took some time to read Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. The title is as edgy as I was as a teen, but the advice is wholesome and sound, the core being one of the first few rules the book prescribes: Take a genuine interest in people. It’s a solid set of rules that help beyond masking behaviors and can even act as masking itself, even if it could do with some more up to date examples.
The best way is to ask questions about something that the person obviously puts thought into.
“Those shoes are sweet, where did you get them?”
“Gnarly hair dude, who’s your stylist?”
“Yo this chicken piccata you made is tubular man.”
Be engaged and ask follow up questions, people love talking about themselves. Soon enough you’ve gotten to know them, and you just say hey and be friendly every interaction after.
Got it. Use phrases popularized by surfers/ninja turtles.
Be Keanu in Point Break, catch the bad guys, get the girl, make friends, profit. A playbook as old as time.
Ask questions, then just listen to the answers. Nod and add the occasional ‘go on.’
People will usually let you know what excites/interest them. If someone is wearing a football jersey ask them what the best game they ever saw was.
People don’t expect you to entertain them, they just want to know that you are interested in them
That sounds simple enough for me to remember! Focusing on being a better listener is what I should be working on.
But what if there are no immediate things to talk about? What if the conversation falls flat? Do you have a 3 strikes rule before you walk away from the interaction?
Maybe I’m getting too much in my head about things. Thanks for the reassurance 😊 This community always makes me feel more secure with some of my inner concerns about socializing and my perception in the eyes of others.
If someone doesn’t want to talk, that is ok. However, people are more likely to talk if they feel listened to.
“Comfortable silence” is a thing.
And walking away is always an option. “I’m gonna see who else is here,” or “I’m going to get a drink/some fresh air” or “good talk.” are acceptable ways of ending a chat
It might help to have some examples. Are you a student talking to other students? An office worker talking to colleagues? An attempt to converse with (say) a busy clerk at a store is less likely to go well than a casual chat with someone who is also waiting in line.
And sometimes there’s genuinely nothing to talk about, and recognizing that is a useful skill.
I also have this worry constantly, but i’ve learned that there are different sorts of silences. just because it’s silent doesn’t mean it’s awkward. most people don’t care if you mess up in casual conversation.
The Vance method guaranteed* to work:
[enter donut shop] * point at random employee*
“How long have you been working here!”
“About eighteen months”
“And how long have YOU been working here!”
“Six weeks or so.”
“Mhm. AND YOU!”
Then just go through every single employee, order ‘whatever makes sense’ and leave.
*this claim has been rigorously fact-checked by dog-eating Haitians
It’s easy. Don’t say much, just ask questions and let people talk.
“How ya doing?”
“Good.”
“…”
“Bro come on we’re literally friends already are you seriously not excited about anything that happened in the last two weeks?”
When we’re all told that “proper” is not talking about ourselves we end up with needlessly boring conversations and the inverse idea that someone excited about something is being improper. Keep an eye on how much space you’re taking up, leave openings for people to jump in, but yap if ya gotta yap.
That’s the neat part, you don’t!
Jokes aside in extreme cases a psychologist could help.
Speaking as a psychotherapist, I wanna point out that almost no one “knows” what to say in a conversation.
We’re all making it up as we go along and that’s what most people enjoy about them.
Often the challenge is giving yourself permission to say what you want to say.
When people say “I don’t know what to say” what’s often meant by that is “I don’t know what I should be saying”
If you can get past the idea that there’s a right thing and a wrong thing to say, conversation can happen organically. This takes practice sadly, and means getting it wrong sometimes, and that’s okay too.
Preface: I agree with you but want to add a counter to explain why people might be uncomfortable following your advice.
—
We should admit that there are people who have decided that there are “wrong” answers and that those people have soured the experience enough that there’s a whole branching group of people afraid enough of them to instictually perpetuate the same nonsense. It’s not about “I don’t know what I should say” but about “I don’t know what I’m allowed to say that will avoid some form of behind-the-back punishment.”
There are also some people I know who where a mask thicker than their own skin and I know for a fact that they do it because of trauma. They refuse to hold strong opinions and when they do you have to be incredibly delicate with them because sharing an opinion means something entirely different to them. If you share an opinion then to them you wouldn’t unless you were really mad or really had no respect for the alternatives. My ex-girlfriend literally couldn’t handle me saying “no yea…” because the “no” was negative and it was her, by her own admission, traumatized parents who made her that way. I’ve still tried to soften myself since but oh my god.
I’m polite, your typical conservative would probably call me woke, and people call me up when they’re feeling sad because they trust me. When I say “opinion” I don’t mean insane crap like trying to say that homophobia or sexism is “just my opinion, bro” but like literally even just giving polite, requested feedback after a course or something. I swear giving a 4/5 review is the end of the world to these people because any negativity is percieved as a death sentence(and it kinda is, thanks capitalism). “I really liked most of X but think this part could be streamlined” is translated by them to “I hate you deeply and am just trying to soften the blow to appear proper”.
Totally agree. There’s a lot in this seemingly simple topic.
Its often hard to unpick the differences that come from neurodiversity compared to the impact of living in a world that is often hard and even cruel to people who are seen as different.
Consequences of that is things that sound easy or simple rarely are.
Yup yup yup. The people who’ve literally been shocked that I’m not judging them break my fucking heart.
