So a couple months ago I started questioning/cracked my egg. I feel kind of conflicted about it. I resonate a lot with some parts of the gender dysphoria bible and some things I’ve read written by other trans people which to me feels significant. It helped explain the background wrongness I’ve felt but brushed off for years and recontextualized some past experiences that I had clocked as weird but did not understand at the time.
On the other hand I don’t think what I am interpreting as dysphoria is debilitating or anything. I’ve worked, done some schooling and finished an associate’s degree so I feel like I don’t really have it that bad. I did buy some thigh high socks and I like them but I don’t think I felt euphoria or anything wearing them.
I’ve started seeing a therapist to treat my depression and anxiety and I talked about being trans with him a bit. We’ve only had a couple of sessions but he was surprisingly cool and very to the point about it. He said “So you are a transgender lesbian” while I was kind of dancing around it and it stunlocked me a bit. I do appreciate his support but I feel wrong thinking of myself in that way, like I haven’t earned it or maybe I’m just wrong and I’m not trans.
Did anyone else feel like this when they started to transition? Was there anything that made it easier for you to get over it?
I don’t really mind the labels transgender or lesbian. I think I’m just really in my head about it. It’s barely been 2 months since I’ve learned anything about dysphoria so this is pretty new to me. I am taking steps to start transitioning but it’s daunting to think about still.
Something I’d like to note, hormones can change your sexuality. I know prior to transition, I was only interested in women. Now that is far from the case. I know that wasn’t the point of your comment, just wanted to bring that up when it comes to the “lesbian” tag.
That’s really exciting!
What has helped me is to focus less on labels and more on how I’m reacting emotionally to different things. Like, how happy I felt seeing myself in a blouse and skirt for the first time. Or how badly I felt understanding that a conversation about “girls night” wasn’t an invitation to me. Or the relief of telling my partner what support looked like for me as I figure all of my own stuff out. Getting “sir”'d at a local bakery.
Like, I can either fall into the self-critical trap and view it as “evidence” of how valid my ideas of myself are or aren’t. Or I can chase those things that makes me feel whole, good, and welcome and trust that the work I put into being fulfilled in life is going to make everything I do that much more wonderful to experience.
At least that’s what I tell myself. Who knows how good I actually am about it. Being human is inherently messy and full of mistakes and learning from them.