Music last night has given me this great sense of peace today. Things are going to be OK ❤️
so many hugs 🙂
you deserve this
I need to dump this somewhere so please ignore these very long rambles. This has been a week.
very angry venting
Still bitter and angry about the 15% rent increase and the consequent spiraling of how much it costs to exist. Part of me wants to move on and settle it asap and block it from my brain and beat myself into submission, another wants to distract myself from it completely, both want to get away from the volcano of absolute rage that’s ready to spiral out of control and burn everything in its path.
Alright, let’s have at it: FUCK you, LL, for trying to come across as understanding or nice, you are NOT my friend, I believe NOTHING about how much you “value” me because if you did you wouldn’t be slugging a fucking $75/week increase BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU FEEL ENTITLED TO MAXIMISE YOUR PROFIT OUT OF PEOPLE’S NEED TO HOUSE THEMSELVES. This is not a relationship you “value” by demanding more money JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN. Just keep it to what it is, this is a TRANSACTIONAL RELATIONSHIP and if you had a smidgeon of empathy you wouldn’t fucking highball it at first opportunity. Fuck the fuck off with your attempt to be personable and magnanimous. I will keep my angry outbursts here because I’m not an idiot and I will stay civil but I will NOT grovel. I will be offering absolutely no more leeway on inspections, maintenance, etc. And fuck if I’m going to do a complete spotless clean of the place when I leave - I’m claiming my bond the second I’m out and you can fucking take it to vcat over fair wear and tear for how much you’ve fucking earned from me over the years especially as you don’t even need to pay REA fees. You will get absolutely no more energy from me. You’ve taken enough. Go get fucked and I hope you DO get worse tenants here on out who make your life a nightmare. Enjoy being a bloodsucking leech.
and now for the part where I try to calm myself down
Sigh… Okay. Now the positive of this whole shitshow is, it puts some fire under my arse to sort out my job situation and motivates me to finish up my business in Melbourne and get the fuck out. I’ve been wanting a change in scenery for ages - first it was “once lockdowns are over”, then “once I get PR”, then “once I quit my job”, then “once my niece settles in”… but this time is it: once I finish up uni in June I am GONE. I knew that studying would involve an earning hit and it was something I needed to invest in for myself. That I’d need to pay myself a bit to get it done.
So, here it is. I’m going to honour my commitment… but the clock has been set. I’ve been drifting for quite a while trying to get from one week to the next… now at least I know I am approaching the end of a chapter. Closure is coming. I won’t forever be stuck in this helltrap of running faster and faster just to stay in place. I will slam the book shut on all the covid/work/friendship yucks, and clear out space in my life for a fresh start. There is relief and determination and growth amidst the anger, and the deep-seated fear and anxiety of not feeling safe and secure of my own housing. I used to feel sad about possibly leaving Melbourne some day, selling up my things, giving away my plants: now I’m honestly ready. will change the narrative. I do not have control over everything, but I will not be a victim; I have so many more options than I used to… I have value beyond paying off someone else’s mortgage. I will not be beaten down into misery. I will change the narrative.
and now for some practical steps forward...
- Cathartic release/dump so I can feel okay enough to go back into my home - tick.
- drs appt for mental health referral - tick.
- Look at cost of comparable rentals in area as benchmark.
- Look at what my finances and working capacity is; budget for mental health.
- Come up with compromise rental $ amount, take a deep breath, and send brief email to LL. Remind myself I will have 60 days from official notice. I will be OK.
- check EBA for notice period for job I have to quit
- Draft resignation letter and handover actions
- Schedule chat with other job about bringing hours up
- Start writing down moving out ideas. Who gets what. Which things to sell off. What services to cancel. Clearing out the pantry slowly. Etc.
I need to keep telling myself - I got this. This will be a challenging period going forward. Thank heavens for the cat. Speaking of:
and now for something completely different
Number one. The White Area of Do-Not-Touch.
All I can say is I feel the abject rage towards REs and LLs in my soul and relate hard.
I believe in you, and the list and changes you want to fulfill and make happen. You are intelligent and strong, and you will find peace and happiness away from this place 💜
Thank you 😭❤️ It means a lot to receive empathy as I have noone at home to vent to and I can’t keep it in. I’m just done with trying to survive on my own here, I need to know there is an end point. It doesn’t help that I messed up the maths on the amount and it’s actually a 21% increase ($115/week). Hahahaha get fucked srsly.
I’ve already ticked off a few things on the list - at least I have a better idea of timeframes to act on and what my options are. It’s a constant battle convincing my nervous system that I’m not trapped, I’m safe, I have a way out, I deserve to exist. I’m so worn out, I’m going to bed.
hugs
I hear you. I’ve been on both sides. As a LL where it didn’t cover all expenses not to mention damage just due to having average tenants, but c’est la vie. I’ve probably been a tenant for more years than a LL and I’m generally chill if the rent is stable to point of taking care of easy repairs, but yeah, when it keeps going up, then for sure, you need get them to maintain the property. Even the small things we lodged to get done, some of it has been done by the most dodgiest, useless tradespeople, ever. Definitely don’t bother going out of your way to be accommodating. After a certain point they don’t care anyway.
Only thing I can appreciate is that I’ve been in this one long enough to make a case for aircon. That only took about 5 years (been here longer than that).
You have got this. I hope you feel better. 🖤
Oh to be content as a small cat in a shoebox.
Have a great night everyone ❤️
Box 🖤
got home at 1, up at 8:30 for breakfast and movie, home at 1 again tonight, alarm at 4 to see if aurora is here and whether sky is clear
GRINDSET
I fucking love Saturdays. Back to bed!
Edit: glad I got rid of the work profile on my phone.
My favourite sat thing is to get up at 6am like normal, open blinds, brush teeth etc then crawl back into bed
Edit: glad I got rid of the work profile on my phone.
When and why did it become normal for companies to not provide you with a dedicated phone when they expect you to need a phone 24/7?
Honestly I don’t want to carry 2 phones. And having the work profile is optional, not a requirement. Whereas if I was issued a seperate work phone, I’d have to carry it with me.
Good morning
👋
I’ve done nothing today. This probably isn’t helping my physical health or my mood, but the inertia. 😞
It’s Super Star Saturday! Free coffee voucher for those who complete the optional upskill module!
The “People and Culture” team would like to remind you that the upskill modules are compulsory and are not to be completed during work hours.
Also note, those who fail to complete the modules by Monday, or do not receive a minimum of 50% pass mark will be placed on a performance management plan.
Vouchers are limited to 1 small coffee when a purchase of $10 or more is made.
Enjoy your weekend!
People and Culture should be reminded the Dutch Solution exists.
Mmm will i be paid overtime or time in lieu. I can be a slow tester at times
Woke up early but was still all puffy and congested and emotional from last night’s shock email. Trying not to let anger take over and focusing on the good things… grateful that I’m catching up with a friend today. Parking in Carlton has really changed. Nearly everything is 2P till 7pm, all my good weekend street parking spots are gone. Fair enough, I just wish there was better PT connection - the new train stations can’t open soon enough.
I got the first assessment back yesterday. I passed. I’m still working on the other 2 which were due on Monday (but I got an extension).
Assessment 2 is a simple research report. I’ve done the first 3 questions (12 total), and so far I’ve spent about 4ish hours on the 4th. It’s just now dawning on me that it’s probably mostly wasted effort. There aren’t grades, it’s just a pass/fail, and my trainer isn’t a harsh marker. It doesn’t really matter how much detail I put into it, I’ll pass either way.
But it seems I forgot about that and turned it into an entire essay. It is currently 803 words, when it really doesn’t need to be more than 300-400. And I’m only a third of the way through
Why did I do that
Because you care about the work you submit, and you want to demonstrate an understanding of the subject matter.
It’s okay, I tend to over study too, even though I don’t have the time but I’m keen to learn each subject, not just pass it. Welcome to the world of adult learning, Baku, where you feel like a dumbass for caring about what you submit!
where you feel like a dumbass for caring about what you submit!
You hit the nail on the head there I think. If I’d cared a little less, I’d probably be done with this assessment by now, and not be faced with my current predicament where I have about 40 hours left to finish this assessment + the one I haven’t started yet (30 questions)
Doing extra is never wasted effort. It might not be necessary for the specific report you are doing, but what you learn creates a much better foundation for your future learning, both within the course and in life in general. The things you will be doing in the future will all build on the knowledge you are gaining now, so the less thorough you are now the more you will struggle in the future.
I agree. Learn the basics very very well now and everything else will be so much easier.
Thanks! That’s a helpful way to reframe it
I’ve actually been pondering future education recently, and came to the conclusion I’d probably like to go for a bachelor’s in a similar field one day. Being able to do better research and essay style writing than what’s required (which honestly just seems like an extension of year 8 english to me) would definitely make it easier!
There is a vast difference between learning the subject and writing to the question. It is both depressing and hilarious I once got an HD for an essay on a book I didn’t read. Make of that …
I remember when I had to write essays for uni that I the ones I really put effort into didn’t score as high as the one I wrote off the cuff one hour before it was due and ended up getting an HD for it.
Sometimes make me wonder about all the effort I put in 🤔
I used to know the exact time my printer took and the walk to make it to the drop box to get that all important stamp! Not dumb or lazy just need the deadline pantskick
It’s all skill.
It’s all about precision.
Look on the bright side. Writing more is a lot harder than having to condense and prune an essay.
What might make it easier for you to condense is it focus on making sure you address the key points and see if you’ve duplicated or waffled on about something.
Or see if you make an answer to something concise and straight to the point without being too descriptive.
IE. I walked to my car staring at the sunlight coming down through the clouds, I steadily took my time taking steps slowly to my car and opened the door and sat down then I started my engine and began my journey to the new world.
Short version: I walked to my car and started the engine and drove off.
Just make sure if it’s the assignment is asking you to address points that they are addressed and not skipped over.
You’ve got a good point. I don’t think I’ve waffled on much, just done probably 3-4x what was expected. And I’m feeling a little silly since that doesn’t actually do anything for me, and if I hadn’t, I’d be done by now
I don’t think I want to prune it much, although I’m currently paraphrasing and grammar checking what I’ve written so far, and am removing some stuff for clarity. It might not do anything for me, but it’d be a double wasted effort if I just deleted it all!
The word limit is fairly low as well to answer 12 questions.
It’s roughly 30 words per question.
Doesn’t really leave room for an intro or conclusion if you’re sticking to that word limit and if that’s needed.
I hope that helps a little bit.
Oh! I should have been a bit clearer, this is just a single question. I’d guess most people would answer the entire question in about half the words I’ve used to answer a third of it (but there’s no limit). Although the question is kind of open-ended, so I certainly wouldn’t get in trouble for being as detailed as I am, it’s more just I didn’t have to
Oohh ok. Now I understand how it’s set out!
AIATSIS protocols, pick one. Try to describe it in less time than drinking a coke.
Bonus points cite anything by Tui Raven
I’m basically done now. The social issues category became a bit of a rabbit hole, but politics and economics are simpler, or at least, simpler to describe
Cool. But do remember that name.
Goodnight everyone. Luv you all. 😘😘😘
Goodnight!
deleted by creator
It's a yellow roses and dragonflies kinda day
Is that Peace? Such a beautiful sweet perfume.
Used to be called the Chicago Peace Rose, now just Peace, a very beautiful rose. 💗 My other fave is the Queen Elizabeth, a heavily scented pink tea rose.
Awesome I was wondering what it was (I saw it on a walk). Really beautiful colours. And I had two special people who are no longer around. One loved yellow roses and the other pink/red so it made me smile 😊
I have Queen Elizabeth, its very vigorous!
What a beautiful combination of colours.
I’m weirdly attracted to colour hues and gradients sometimes.
Gorgeous!
Looks lovely, I like Peace roses
Everyone is always so sad allegedly when someone dies. Were you there for them when they really needed it? Did you even pick up the phone?
All this talk about mental health is incredibly cheap.
Of course it is, because no one ever really wants to be close to someone struggling with their own mind. They prefer performative care, so they can receive sympathy, but do not actually care about the person truly struggling.
The mentally unwell are chronically alone and lonely, I can attest, with few real, genuine human connections, because they are just there to make others feel good about themselves. Even their death is capitalised upon for further sympathy and attention.
I wonder why I have so few genuine, caring friends, but why wonder when the answer is they don’t actually care. They just like others telling them how kind and selfless they are. It’s disgusting that the mentally unwell are only “cared for and about” when they’re fucking dead and it doesn’t mean anything to them.
personal experience
My own family, the side I still see, doesn’t call or text me despite knowing what I go through, and have suffered through. They never called to check in when I lived through my egg doners severe neglect, just made excuses. They didn’t check in when I ended up isolated and raped daily by my ex for 8yrs. But they are quick to say “if you need anything, let us know!”. Well I said call me occasionally, just a msg to see how I’m going, and they cannot even do that, so I may as well rot away and they can all have their performative sadness and attention when I pass away. My own dad doesn’t even call, even when I initiate contact. So yeah, fuck anyone who pretends they cared, just to take their fill of the attention they obviously so desperately crave.
I admire your sheer will and grit to carry on.
So many hugs.
I know I’m just an internet friend but I am always here if you need, you can msg me anytime and if possible i can real life help to if i can.
Thank you seagoon, I offer the same to you. Those who understand, understand the importance of human connection and bonding. This community has been a bastion, and you the shining pure gem at its center. 💜
It’s you everyone comes to see. 😘😘😘
experience
spoiler
Having very obvious cptsd and the lack of control of emotions and emotional expression that is part of that was a real eye opener.
People can be so fucking cruel. The number of people who saw I couldn’t help my feelings and reactions and made me suffer with cruel words was too high. Absolute sadists.
It gave me insight into why many veterans with ptsd commit suicide, the pain is so great and sadists take advantage.
I think one day I will do charity work with vets with ptsd
We love you Spud. Massive hugs 🫂 I’m sorry you had to go through that shit.
Death brings out the worst in people. I’ve seen it up close too many times. People make others deaths about themselves, about how they feel, about their guilt. Because they know they could have done more, whether in the moment or overall, but chose not to. And you know, sometimes they can’t do more, sometimes their plate is already overflowing, but that doesn’t mean they get to make the death about them.
Taking my son to watch Seven Samurai at the Astor tomorrow.
Fatherly nerdy bonding
